Distractions, as Told by One Brave Starbucks Patron

In the world of blog writing, distracting offenses are considered especially heinous. In San Francisco, there is one dedicated blogger who investigates these vicious distractions and is often faced with finding even further distractions. This is his story. *dun-dun*


Thou shalt not spend time avoiding writing by looking up the best Mariska Hargitay lines from Law and Order SVU. Thou shalt not continue to then go forth and use Law & Order SVU lines for the beginnings of posts ever. Instead, ye shall be more creative and inspired by the wonders that life holds.


HOROSCOPES!!!! Yes, these fuckers are always there every single day just waiting to be read. Not for the fact that I genuinely believe any of the bullshit that happens in them will actually happen, but in the odd sense that it does, I would like to be semi-prepared by Elle Magazine writers who dedicatedly write the posts that I read every single day.


YOU MUST NOT LOOK UP FROM YOUR LAPTOP! Primarily because Starbucks is my main writing space, I know, “So early 2000’s.” However, if you find yourself looking up from your laptop, don’t. It is a dangerous jungle that many people, like myself, cannot leave once they have entered. Filled with characters only JK Rowling could create, oversized puffer jacket man, fanny pack woman, ponytail girl wearing yoga pants, UGGS and her favorite babydoll top; or my favorite Kate Goslin wannabes.


Employees are not excluded from such distractions, oftentimes they are the reason for the distraction. I’m looking at you Kate aka queen of small talk and yet somehow we end up in deep conversations while she is making my morning coffee.


Coffee can oftentimes lead to dehydration, in such instances do not leave your seat. In fact, find the nearest patron and ask them for a sip of their water. You will, in fact, be surprised at the number of times people say yes. If such instances occur, simply turn the other direction and suffer through your dehydration.


The music selection is frustrating, either you it is too easy listening or too catchy to ignore. Must find a resolution to this issue…I guess I probably just described why headphones were invented.


Untangling the headphones is a whole other issue.


Then once you have finally made it past all of these insufferable distractions bicycle man waltzes into Starbucks. Still wearing his aerodynamic bicycle outfit tailored with helmet and mouth gear. He stands in line constantly shifting his weight from foot to heel as he waits for the barista to be ready to take his order. I am mesmerized by his calves. Then he darts across the room to find the nearest corner where he waits sinisterly for his coffee.


Hunger sets in. Damn stomach. One ham and swiss croissant. My Jewish grandmother turns over in her grave. Yet the French gods smile upon me.


Finally, seat availability. Let me set the scene…you enter into your favorite Starbucks, and the moment you do you immediately begin to scan the room to make sure there is a seat available for you. You look, only to find that the community table is open. However, the community table is being occupied by a patron who proceeds to sit in the middle of the table and has clearly brought the contents of his car and house with him. You decide to go to the corner seat facing the window. You hate having your back turned but you can live through the torture in order to write. You sit down, set up your station and begin only to notice your battery is on 5%. You grab your charger and bend over looking for an outlet. WHAT? NO OUTLETS? You look all around you and not one outlet is seen. You face the truth of having to sit at the community table with the man who brought the entire contents of his car and house with him. You hesitantly move your station over and sit on the very end. Plug in and wait for the next available reasonable seat to open up. You never get anything done because you constantly keep peering around the room looking for your next nomadic move to a new location.

Until next time, hopefully, you can stay distraction free.

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