I am What I Say That I am

For whatever reason, a memory came up the other night of a moment where I was on a date, with a now ex, when a woman came up to our table and started gasping. Clearly intoxicated, she was staring, gasping, and struggling to form words when she finally introduced herself as a psychic—then proceeding to tell me things like, “I would be great and do great things, like be a big star.” Half cracking a smile while also tapping my foot anxiously under the table, she proceeded to say, “I have strong EQ, I’m highly creative and this relationship was palpable and real.” Now seated and holding my hand, she told me that, “I had strong intuition and needed to trust my instincts regarding the plans for later in the evening.” Half-slurred she told me that it would be “life or death,” then she stood up, and stumbled over to the bathroom.

Earlier that day, I was invited to a party but for whatever reason, I had a strong inclination that something bad would happen if I went. I wasn’t quite sure what it was but I continued to feel uneasy about the party and one long conversation that erupted into a fight over spirituality ended up in me dropping my ex off at the party, as I returned home, alone, with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and Grey’s Anatomy reruns. I received a text later that evening that the party ended early because the police showed up and shut it down. Also, a fight broke out.

Had we gone to any other place that evening, which was the original plan, I would have not had that moment with the drunk psychic woman,  I would have gone to the party, that eventually turned into someone getting into a fight, that turned into a situation where the police arrived shutting it down early.

Recalling this memory now as a twenty-five-year-old adult was not the fact that she shared information about myself, my previously unrealized hopes and dreams, or the fact that I did feel intuitive like I wasn’t supposed to go to the party, but was the need for me to be externally validated. Does that make sense?

This situation has happened on several occasions where I find myself meeting a random stranger, psychic, clairvoyant, and or medium, that lends me advice usually consisting of the same rhetoric, and I, in my naivety, listen because I was raised to believe that signs exist and there is importance in the random minutiae of the day-to-day, but what if I had just listened to my own instincts, to begin with?

Why do I constantly need to feel validated externally, not just from people, but also by success, or my finances, or even my career? If I had listened properly to all of the random psychics that have stepped into my life, then I would have chosen to listen to my own inner monologue over theirs—because one way or another, that is what they said to do.

I have always known and been told that I am highly intuitive and that I needed to listen to my own instincts more than anyone else’s, and yet, it takes an outside force like my parents or a psychic to tell me this in order to believe it. Why do I seek validation outside of myself?

Was I not praised enough as a child?

As platitudinous as it sounds to blame things on my upbringing, I know that at the end of the day the decision resides within myself because that is how I was raised.

The random woman who stumbled across the cafe to tell me a prediction can’t dictate whether I’m going to succeed or fail, let alone process what those two definitions look like to me, but we can manipulate ourselves to being whatever we want or don’t want to be. I mean as promising as that sounds it’s also a double-edged sword because we can also manipulate us into believing the worst about ourselves, which I feel I have always done.

From now on I’m going to listen to myself before I start seeking out the validation and praise of others. I know that sounds trite to just pick up and move things along as if I never did them differently prior to this moment, but why bother waiting for another moment for a psychic to come along and tell me what I already know. I am what I say that I am. Period.

Does any of this make sense, cos’ I’m not completely sure if I am making my point or not? I’d love to start a conversation about this and am currently wondering if any of you have similar situations in your own life.

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