What I Realized After a Sleepless Night

My weekends are usually spent wandering around this new city Austin, finding new places to eat, and attempting the art of staying cool. This weekend was not unlike any other, except that for the first time, in a really long time, I was eager to get it over with. On the surface, I played it cool and went unnoticed by my friends that something was off, but at the end of the day, all I could think about was how I wanted to be spending my time writing. Then, on Sunday night, when I was winding down for bed, I realized that I couldn’t calm down—there was restless energy flitting about causing me to feel uneasy and mentally restless. I tried to pray, but partially delirious and somewhere between sleep and delusion all awareness of my thoughts seemed to dissipate and only focus on what it was that was keeping me up. I tried to put on my eyepatch and earplugs, switched sides of the bed, washed my face, tried two pillows, then one, then three, then none, and at four thirty in the morning I eventually passed out.

I slept in quite a while and when I woke up, all the motivation to start working on the tasks that I had spent the weekend restless to start, was effectively gone. I had no motivation. So I picked up my things, got ready for my day, and let the room that still lingered with restless energy, in order to clear my head and realign myself with the intention I had set this weekend.

“I feel like more than ever, I’m ready—to trust myself and believe in myself, I want to start trusting the process and moments I am in, instead of questioning their success constantly by immediate results.”

When I finally sat down, I realized that the one thing that I didn’t try to do, to help me sleep, was meditating. I have used it time and time again to help with anxiety, restless nights, and in almost every situation that can possibly cause stress, but forgot entirely to even consider it last night. What struck me next, was the fact that I only found myself using these tools whenever I needed something, but rarely if ever, just because I know that they are good for me.

Last spring, I conducted my own research and articulated the importance of meditation and answered some questions about it that I had received from you via Instagram, but I didn’t realize that throughout the entire time that I wrote about it, I had yet to find my own sort of reliance on it, other than when it benefitted me immediately. I used it, as I have used many other things, as a way for me to feel better in a moment, only to forget about it entirely once the moment has passed.

I never really pontificated on this act, but recently I started wondering if this was some sort of form of narcissism or vanity, but then I realized, this is something that is ingrained in our culture (American culture)—it is absolutely no consideration for the process, and entirely results based.

Not only do we not consider the process, but we don’t trust the process. Instead, we question it, doubt it, and then give up when the situation no longer seems to work in the way that it did initially, or we move on from it entirely because we feel we have mastered it and therefore no longer need it. As American’s, sometimes it feels like results are the only method of success. You either have it or you don’t, and with social media, it appears more in your face then ever, because people, businesses, and brands pop-up every single day, but you rarely, if ever, hear about the fact that most of those people have been working on something for more than ten years.

I’m not sure why I am now feeling the brunt of trying to accept the process and cut myself some slack for not meditating last night, and not entirely feeling motivated to do anything productive today. BUT I think that’s the point. Meditation is a process. It is not a one time fix all scenario that will enable you to be the best version of yourself for the rest of your life it is a moment that needs to be built on by many, many, many, (many), more moments in order to have lasting results. Your careers, goals, and intentions, are the same. They are small steps in the right direction, day-after-day.

I feel like more than ever, I’m ready—to trust myself and believe in myself, I want to start trusting the process and moments I am in, instead of questioning their success constantly by immediate results.

I want to start trusting myself, in every situation and understand that my worth is for no one, but myself. Does anyone else feel the same way?

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